Olympus
by Bekkoni
Summary: Batman has a bad day. Unfortunately, Lex Luthor Choses now to try his new Evil Plot, which involves the Bat. Everyone had better back away slowly. It's humor, but more of a serious fic than the summary makes it sound. Two-parter.
1. The damn superpowers

**Batman, Superman, and all other members of the Justice League are property of DC Comics, not me. But I do like to torture them! ;)**

********

"The reason _I'm _ doing it is because I have superspeed and can type it in at the rate of around 100,000 words per minute," Superman said patiently.

"It is my job to input data during this shift," Batman's grip tightened on his stack of papers.

"I realize that, but don't you agree that it would be more productive for me to do it?"

Suddenly the papers were swept from Batman's hand. There was a quick flurry of clacking keys.

"There," Superman said. "All done."

It took all of Batman's self-control not to try and punch a hole through the other man's skull. He'd only break his hand. "Well, since you're so good at that, I trust you can take care of the rest of the monitor duties, too."

He stormed out of the room, cape billowing behind him.

"What's gotten into _him?_" Superman muttered as he watched his friend leave.

*****

Batman went to the training room to hit some robots. Real people would have been better, but it was still daytime in Gotham City. He was just about to configure the holograms to look like Clark when Diana walked up.

"Hey," she said. Her cheerful voice grated on his nerves. "Can I join you?"

_Does it LOOK like I am in the mood for your company?_ "Actually, n-,"

"Great!" Diana said, and pulled him into the room.

The holodeck took the form of the inside of a very large warehouse. Members of different versions of the Secret Society--Cobra, Shade, Cheetah, Metallo, among others--appeared.

Batman went for the Shade and began beating the hell out of the hologram. Shade crumpled and vanished after the fourth blow. Cheetah leapt up the walls and perched on a rafter above. Batman quickly scanned the building, analyzing the best route for getting up to her. He jumped onto the first flight of stairs.

Diana flew past him a knocked Cheetah out. "I got her!"

"Yes, you certainly do," Batman said under his breath, and slipped from the training room, cursing superpowers.

***

He went to a soda vending machine and put in a few quarters, looking for something nice and caffienated. He usually didn't drink the crap--coffee had more nutritional value, but it had just been one of those days. He decided he deserved sugar.

He pulled out the cold can and pulled tab. He was going to take a sip, when…

_Zoom!_ Flash and Supergirl barreled into him simultaneously. The drink went flying, dousing him with sticky liquid.

"Oops," Flash said. "Sorry, Bats. We were having a race."

"Well," Batman said through gritted teeth. Soda dripped down his neck . "If you're fast enough to do laps around the Watchtower, dontcha think that maybe _you're fast _enough to have caught that before it Spilled. All. Over. Me?!"

"Sorry," Flash said again, and he and Supergirl raced off before Batman could exact his revenge.

He took a moment to calm down before going to his quarters to change costumes and take a shower.

***

He hadn't even turned on the water when the announcement blared over his comlink.

"Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Martian Manhunter, and Green Lantern, please report to the teleporter pad for transport to Metropolis. Level 6 mission."

Batman swore. Couldn't he just take a shower without some meta-wacko interfering?

He jumped into a clean costume and stormed down to the teleporter pad.

"You look like a ray of sunshine," GL remarked mildly when he saw him coming.

Batman glared. Usually he could tolerate Green Lantern more than the others. GL kept is distance. Most of the time.

Superman leaned in a little and said as quietly as possible to the others, "He's a bit cranky today."

Batman still heard.

Before he could growl his comeback, blue light flared around them. They materialized not in Times Square, but instead in…jail cells?

"Gotcha," Lex Luthor said dryly.

Batman groaned.


	2. Lex's Evil Plot

Batman swore. This was _not_ the kind of day to have this happen on. He allowed himself one moment of self-pity before looking around their--no, his--cage.

The other founding members of the League were each in their own individual cell. Superman's was flooded with orange light, and it appeared to be blocking his powers.

Flash's cage had a beam of bluish light above that simulated extra gravity, keeping the hero flat on the ground.

Everything in GL's cell was painted yellow, including his ring and body. A jet on the wall coated a new layer of paint every few minutes, and the tiny room was even bathed in a sea of yellow fluorescent light.

Diana's hands were tied behind her back with her own lasso. Iron rings dropped from the ceiling and tightened, strapping her to a pole.

J'onn was in a stasis ring that blocked his shapeshifting and telepathic powers. He had been forced to revert to his Martian form.

Batman's own cell was just that, a cell. The walls were a kind of translucent metal alloy. There were no restraints, but the walls seemed to be electrified.

Batman was a bit offended at the lack of death traps. He'd have to give Lex a few extra fists to the stomach when he got free.

He reached for his belt.

"Looking for this?" Lex asked, holding up the belt. "It was no easy feat for me to hack in and rewire your transport systems without being detected. Do you really think I would have let you have your toys?"

Okay, maybe Lex's plan was a tad more clever than he had given credit for. But…_toys!_ Batman hated it when anyone called his weapons that. Like he was some tyke who was trying to play baseball with the big kids.

"You see, I've been thinking lately," Lex was standing at a control panel full of buttons.

"Careful, that might be dangerous," Diana said. "Might short-circuit your brain."

Lex pressed a button and electricity flowed through the pole she was tied to. She threw back her head but managed to hold in a scream.

"As I was saying, " Lex said. He walked from behind the panel and up to batman's cage. "Every time I get caught, it's because of you."

He jabbed a finger at Batman. "Every. Single. Time. It may not be you pulling the punches, but you're the one who infitrated my Injustice Gang, you're the one who defeated the Joker when he was _soooo_ very close to killing Superman, you did it!"

"Riiiiight," Batman growled. "so if I'm such a pain in your ass, and you have me captured, why don't you cut the chit-chat and kill me already?" He was in no mood for supervillain monologues.

_And also,_ Batman thought, _If I'm so much trouble, why _is Superman_ still your arch foe?_

"No, I'm not going to do that," Lex said, rubbing his hands together furiously. "If I try to kill you, you will beat me . If I try to keep you lock up, you will beat me. So..."

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em?" Flash asked hopefully.

"Coerce them," Lex smiled. "Batman, I have a proposition for you."

"No," Batman said.

"Hear me out," Lex began to pace. "I never understood you. You sit up there, among gods, and don't you ever feel powerless? Insignificant? An imposter in their golden Olympus?"

Batman said nothing.

"Even Green Arrow isn't really a member. From what I hear, you all shanghaied him into joining the club. Wildcat--again, he's more JSA than JLA. And Booster Gold, though human, is from the future and has all those suits that give him those wonderful powers."

Lex rubbed his chin. "But it's you, only you who helped found the League, you're the only truly human member. What do they have you do, anyway? Input data and watch monitors while they fight?"

_No, _Batman thought, _Superman types faster._ He stopped himself. No getting on the villain's side.

"You and me could _rule_ this planet," Lex said. "And as equals, not metas and their human puppet."

Batman thought for a minute. "Okay."

Superman and GL ogled at him. Diana gasped. Flash looked terrified.

"Really?" Lex asked.

"You're completely right about everything," Batman said. "It only makes sense for me to join you."

Lex grinned like it was Christmas and his birthday rolled into one. "Fabulous." He hurried and went to unlock Batman's cage. "Waiiit…"

"What?"

Lex pressed a button, and a small hole appeared in the wall of the cage. He passed through a modified Taser. He went to Flash's cell, draged him out, and threw him on the ground.

"You have to shoot him."

"Fair enough," Batman pulled back the LOAD tab. It clicked into place. Flash trembled.

"Hurry up," Lex said, "Or the gravity beam's effects will wear off. You have one minute."

Batman pulled the trigger a little ways. I made a nice little creaking noise. Flash looked like he was going to pee his pants. His eyes met Batman's.

Batman smiled coldly at him and pulled the trigger all the way.

The probes sunk deep into their target.

Lex howled in pain and began to spasm on the ground. Batman ripped the wire out of the Taser to cut off the electricity. Flash put his head up.

"You…didn't…shoot…me. I…thought…you...were going…to shoot…me," he was a little pale.

Batman sighed. "Get up and let the rest of us out. Third button on the left-- the green one."

Flash waited a few more seconds for his speed to return then went set them free.

Superman threw an unconscious Luthor over his shoulder, "You had me scared there for a minute, Bruce. Good thing you don't actually feel that way about us." He chuckled.

Batman watched him pick up the two hundred pounds of dead weight like it was a handful of Styrofoam. "Yeah," he muttered darkly. "_Good _thing."


End file.
